After my stroke, I caught myself going right back to work and getting caught in the hustle and the grind. I was finding myself getting stressed in the home and trying to show up fully for my son and for my job. I was in such a hurry to get back to work and life that I really didn’t allow myself the time I needed to heal.
I decided that I would take a shot and apply for a 10 day silent retreat. The day the retreat centre is typically booked, so it was a long shot, but I knew it was right for me. I applied to the waitlist. Two days later, I got the email that I had been accepted.
The 10 day retreat was exactly what I needed. Silence is loud. For me as an extravert, always talking and being known for my voice, the silence retreat brought new opportunities to learn and heal.
The most difficult part of this practice was dealing with the noise in my own head. It felt deafening at times. When you’re constantly on the move, you don’t realize how relentless your inner voice is. For me, it was non-stop.
This voice is constantly trying to make you good enough. Trying to calculate and figure things out. You think it’s the intellectual self, but it’s the actual ego – constantly questioning everything.
How am I going to get over this stroke? Should I be here? Should I be in physiotherapy? Should I be in the career that I am in? Should I be out saving the world? How can I be more efficient? Am I living my life to the fullest?
Do you know that voice? I bet you do.
That voice can be constant. But, at the silence retreat, you can’t run away. You can’t distract that voice by redecorating, organizing meetings with CEOs or planning vacations. That voice now “had the floor” and it was a lot.
There were a couple times where I just jumped up from meditating and went to clean the bathroom or shovel snow. I wanted to be busy, to do something, to not be alone with that voice.
By the sixth day, I learned that the best way to be with that voice and not let it overwhelm me, was to go out into the forest and walk. I wouldn’t run from it, but I wouldn’t sit there and be deafened by it either. The only way I can explain it now is that my body could process that voice. It was through the movement and connecting with nature that I could listen to the voice, hear what it was saying, process the emotions that came up and then come to an “ah-ha moment.” I couldn’t do it all in my mind, I needed my body to help me.
I think a lot of people are experiencing that voice right now, while we are collectively staying home and self-isolating. We aren’t able to get up and distract ourselves, to go see our friends, go on trips and or use the numbing and distracting tools that we are used to. And that voice inside our heads can be relentless, scary, overwhelming at times.
If you are experiencing the torment of that voice, consider moving your body and getting in nature. Don’t ignore that voice, but don’t be a slave to it either. Your body knows how to process your emotions, it’s here to help you if you will let it.
Walking in the woods helped me to be grounded and work through some difficult emotions that were arising. You are not alone. Your body knows what to do to help you heal. The earth is supporting you too.
I was able to make peace with that voice in my head. I’m not saying that I have it all completely figured out, but I am now able to thank that voice, that part of me, for its wisdom and to also acknowledge the help that it offers.
I am also able to establish some healthy boundaries with that voice. To acknowledge that I have other parts of me that also have things to say and lessons to teach me. Silence was one of those teachers.
In Light and Love,
– Tara
