My world was swirling. Everything that I had held on to when times were tough was in question.

I was a survivor – fighting my way through some of the darkest times and always depending on my strengths to pull me through. I believed that hard work and pushing to excellence could pull me through anything.

When times were tough and I lost everything, when I felt empty, alone or lost, I always thought that my success in my career would pull me through. That I would always be able to provide for myself and family and that this would carry me through any feeling of loss or insecurity.

I never counted on my looks. After all, I was a fat kid when I was young, but I did count on my brain power and success. I wasn’t successful in my relationship. God knows I tried for 23 years, but I had determination and that could pull me through anything. Or so I thought.

First, my brain failed me.

I had a stroke at 40. This caused uncertainty. Then I had to get back to certainty, I had to jump back to work after 10 days at a silent retreat.

Then I found out my heart failed me.

I would need a surgery for a heart that had a gap in it from birth. This heart that carried me for 40 years through all kinds of pain, joys and stress was faulty since birth.

“Keep networking clients, keep being successful, keep pushing” at least that’s what I thought.

Then my work, that security that I constantly counted on, also blew up and I was finally forced to stop myself, take a deep breath and a long look and let go of it all.

Stop pushing, stop trying to take care of everything and let go of certainty.

As I prepare myself to have this broken heart of mine fixed on June 10th, I remind myself when everything feels broken, instead of clinging to certainty, let it all go and surrender. Let the universe take the steering wheel and give up my illusion of control and just be gentle with myself.