On June 10th I arrived at the hospital for heart surgery. After some preparation, I was wheeled into the operating room. I was awake during the procedure, with some drugs that the nurse called “happy juice” flowing through my veins.
As the doctor entered my artery and used the X-ray to follow the vein to my heart, I felt this fluttering sensation. I equate it to running way too hard, instead of just rapid breathing. It felt like the fluttering of wings.
After the surgery, the doctor told me it was over and successful. There were no sweeter words. I thanked the doctor and told him he was amazing at calming my fears and making me feel safe (the happy juice still actively flowing through me). I looked over to my left as he exited the room and saw two huge screens and an x-ray of my heart. And right in the centre, there was a device that looked like a butterfly, the result of the successful surgery.
This year, my 40th on the planet, has been such a transformational year of lessons for me. I said on my birthday last year, it would be the best year of my life – well it was. I learned many lessons, not always easy, but I’ve been challenged to grow in many new ways. Looking back, a lot has happened this year.
- My son’s father was diagnosed with cancer.
- My quarterback son broke his arm and had two surgeries right before he was supposed to sign with a U.S. school.
- I bought a new house and moved back to the neighbourhood I grew up in.
And let’s not forget, the stroke and now heart surgery.
As I looked up at that X-ray of my heart, I thought about all that I’d been through. There was a butterfly symbolizing my metamorphosis.
A feeling of a fresh beginning began to come over me – a new heart with all the wisdom of my past but emerging as something new.
I would leave behind all the feelings of inadequacy. The need to push to be enough. I am ready to step into loving myself completely, as I am right now, in this present moment. I am enough.
I give myself permission to expand and walk into a horizon of unimaginable opportunities.
I am excited for what this next year will look like.
I am excited to start flying. To bring all the wisdom of the past with me, as I create the future of my dreams.